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Learn to Speak Liveaboard ...


A Quick Guide to What it Really Means

I think we’ll start off with a few dives in Temple.
We need to hold a buoyancy masterclass before I’m going to unleash these maniacs on a half-decent dive site.

Dave the instructor is ex-army, bit of a stickler for procedure, but he runs a good boat.
He’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and is prone to flashbacks. He made someone walk the plank a few trips back when they didn’t get kitted up quickly enough.

Isn’t it amazing what they can cook in such a little galley?
What on earth is this green stuff? How far is the nearest McDonalds?

Whoops, it’s a little bit cramped here on the dive deck, please do excuse me.
If you swing that tank near my head one more time, I’m going to ‘accidentally’ drop my weight belt right on your foot.

Steve knows a lot about marine animals, doesn’t he?
He’s been following me all over the boat banging on about wobbegong sub-species for three days, solid. Frankly, I’m getting scared.

I noticed that you and that Emma stayed up chatting late last night.
And if you laid so much as a finger on her I’m going to stab you and throw you overboard. She’s mine! Mine, I tell you! Aaargh!

That was a really choppy journey last night – everyone okay this morning?
I was as sick as a dog the whole night. Please, God, I wasn’t the only one!

You have to understand, the captain is an enigmatic figure.
He doesn’t like divers, and more to the point he doesn’t like you.

Mike’s a very strong character, isn’t he?
Mike’s a loudmouth pain in the arse, and I only hope you despise him as much as I do.

The divemaster won’t be joining you for the night dive, as he’s got to clean out the toilet pipes.
Some selfish sod’s blocked up the system with loo paper, and we fully intend to chuck the whole ghastly mess overboard just as you lot are surfacing.

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